What Goes Around...??

So how do you decide to lose weight when you really need to? How long do you wait before you finally really get serious about it? What is it that drives you to that point? What made you get there in the first place?

I remember a long time ago (I'm not even sure if I had my first baby yet and that is almost 8 years ago!!) telling my sister in law that I didn't care how I looked as long as I wasn't as big as my mother. She laughed at me and told me that I had just jinxed myself. And although I really don't believe in Jinxing or Karma or anything like that. I do think that what went around came around. But I also refuse to actually compare my size to my mom's, I have all along since I got bigger. (I know what a horrible thing for a daughter to say. But let's be honest, we all have some negative things about our parents that we don't want to inherit. ) So how did I get here?

Well when I had my first baby, my sweet little boy, I gained so much weight. It wasn't even funny! I retained water like no other! For real, my skin would jiggle if I poked it- anywhere- my arms, hands, legs, feet, knees. Everywhere. You would have thought I had gestational diabetes or something. But I actually had a really healthy pregnancy. And an extremely healthy baby! He even gained weight in the hospital!! Anyway, I actually gained like 85lbs! (I know that is like a pre teen!!) I hit 205 or 210lbs! It was horrible! I went from small maternity clothes to large and extra large! And I remember getting dressed and taking a picture to document how "cute" I looked (and I did until I hit about 5 1/2 moths). But I really thought I looked cute...until I saw the pictures. Then I was mortified! When I saw the pictures I thought to myself "I thought I looked good in that outfit! Boy was I wrong!" Then when I was 6 months along, we went to my mom's house for a baby shower. She told me that if she didn't know that it was her daughter coming over, she wouldn't have even recognized me! And then I was at my sister's house and she asked her daughter if she had a good visit with me. She said, "but she wasn't here." I felt really bad. But there wasn't anything I could do about it...or not that I know of. I guess I could have eaten a little better. But for the most part, I don't think much would have changed. So at the Hospital, I dropped over 30lbs from all the water I had retained!! And I lost the rest of it pretty quickly...not like the girls who fit into their prepregnancy pants a week or two weeks later (by the way, if you are one of those people- I can't stand you!! :) J/K I'm just extremely JEALOUS!!) it took me several months to lose the weight but I did it. And I didn't lose all of it. I think I kept about 10ish.

Then I got pregnant with my daughter 3 years later. I think I was probably a size 10 (still bigger than I would have liked to be). I didn't get as big that time. I didn't look at the scale once that pregnancy! I didn't even want to know. But with her, I got so sick my first trimester that I actually lost 10lbs. My doctor was actually mad at me! I was excited!! My husband always looked at the scale, so I know I didn't gain as much this time!! But I didn't lose it either. I don't even know if I lost anything in the hospital.

The difference with not losing it is pretty easy to figure out. I was working after baby #2. And I wasn't living with my in laws who would watch my baby so I could work out every morning. By that time, we had bought our first house and I had 2 kids I had to juggle with work and sleep. I know that is just an excuse. But it is the excuse I used. I actually thought I would lose it when I started to try.

I "tried" every once in a while to lose the pounds...well, I'm not as concerned with the pounds as I am with the inches. But I would "try" half heartedly thinking that Heavenly Father would make it happen. I thought if I had enough faith, he would just make it disappear. Crazy, I know. I know that he only steps in when we have done everything we can do. And then it's not even on our time frame, it's on his.

So here I am today, 4 years after my baby and I can't blame the baby anymore! I have gone through my phases of trying that I would lose 10ish lbs, but I would always just gain it back.

So what was it that got me into gear, to actually want and need to start losing it? I think there are many factors. When my doctor told me 2 1/2 years ago that I wasn't getting pregnant because I needed to lose 10% of my body fat, I was just in denial. I thought "there are so many women much larger than I am who get pregnant every day! It can't be my weight!!" But that didn't do it. I tried losing weight for our cruise that we had planned 4 months in advance so I could lose weight. But that didn't happen either. And even though I took a lot of pictures, I am very embarrassed by them.

Well, a couple of months ago, my mom started this program that my sister had done. She loved it and lost a lot of weight. And inches. It wasn't until she came out to visit me that I saw just how much she was starting to shrink. And that fear kicked in. I couldn't be bigger than my mom. And quite possibly, I may have been. I went to the class with her once, and hated it. It totally kicked my butt and I did not enjoy it at all. Usually I really enjoy working out. So that is when the feelings of really wanting and needing started to kick in. That combined with the fact that I still have not gotten pregnant, and feel aweful every time I see my naked body in the mirror, or try something on at the store that looks way better on the hanger than it does on me. My feelings have just kept adding up and up and up. That is when I finally decided to do something about it. I told my friend that I really needed her help. And she started helping me. She helps me with the weights so I know I am doing the machines right. She is there for support as well. Not to mention my husband who supports me too, and all of my faithful "viewers" (lol).

And then a few weeks ago, I was attacked in a very personal way by someone who was supposed to be my sister. Not supposed to be, is...or was...she actually disowned me. She told me and some of my other siblings that I am just getting fat and lazy and on a high horse. It hurt much worse than any of the other things that got me to start working out. That just accelerated the desire. I know that I am fat, and have gotten lazy. I guess her comment, although very rude and uncalled for, hit home. In a way it was the truth. And as much as it hurts to my very core, it is helping me stay motivated. And honest with myself. Although I have been pretty honest with how I am in my head...(I'm crazy, I know) but I have never vocalized to anyone about that feeling. You are the first!