Who am I fooling?

Well, today is supposed to be a happy day. My husband and I are celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary! And it is, but I am feeling so down today. I don't know who I have been fooling more, myself or everyone else. Or maybe it's just that I haven't let anyone in.



I took a pregnancy test today. It was negative. I have been trying to get pregnant for over 15 months now. I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up, but every single month I do, just to have my heart shattered again with a negative test or an unwelcome visitor. And then I just get back up and act like I didn't even get bad news; when in all honesty, I hurt so badly inside I can't stand it. But I just push it further down. I had even come to the point where I said I didn't care one way or the other. It would happen when it's meant to happen and not a moment sooner. And I wasn't going to focus on it so much. I think I actually said that a few times. But I don't think I ever stopped. I don't think a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about it. Maybe I didn't talk about it as much, I don't know. I know I didn't share my hurt each month at not being pregnant with anyone, even my kind loving husband.

For me, it's not hard seeing a pregnant woman. Well, maybe a little. But the real hard part for me is seeing a baby. Hearing it cry. Oh, how it hurts so badly to hear a baby cry. There have been times when I was sitting in church and my heart ached so badly at hearing a little baby cry. But that has gotten a little better. I guess I go through phases, some days are better than others.

Anyway, now that I have shared THE most personal feelings I have, you are probably wondering what this has to do with me losing weight. You might even think I'm crazy ;) Before my doctor started me on fertility meds (which I stopped about a month ago), he told me I needed to lose at least 10% of my body weight. And I thought he was the crazy one. There are so many women who get pregnant every day that are much larger than I am. (there is even a tv show about it). But my sister in law broght up to me that most of those women have been big their whole life, where I gained my weight in a matter of less than 4 years. So my body really is thrown off. But I still struggle with that one.


And there was a time that I thought why try to lose any weight if I am just going to get pregnant and big again. And then there was a time that I was terrified to get pregnant again if I hadn't lost anything because then how big would I be? Possibly close to 250, if I continued with the trend of my first two. But now, I'm not scared about either. There is a huge part of me that wants to be pregnant while I make this journey. So I can prove to myself that I can actually lose the weight and do it while I'm pregnant. Maybe not lose a ton of weight but tone up everything a ton. I want to do it this way because it will make it easier to lose after. But I know it will happen if and when it is suppposed to happen. I just have a really hard time with that. So today, even though I hurt, I am going to get back up and wipe my bruised heart off and focus on my two great kids that I do have and my wonderful husband. They are really the key to making my life shine through the clouds! Life isn't about learning how to make it through the storm, it's about learning how to dance in the rain!