I Play the "What If" Game...

I know I'm not the only one who plays this game. We all probably do at some point. Maybe more at times than others. I tend to play it a lot. Sometimes I play it before something happens, sometimes I play it after the fact too! I remember after my first little miracle was born. I went to the hospital in labor (I think I was in labor, you see I don't know for sure as my doctor decided I could be induced and gave me my epidural when I was only dialated to a 1, so it is very possible that what I thought was labor pains was not.) Things weren't progressing as they should have. His heart rate would spike really high when I was having contractions but the nurse said it was normal. But I just had this feeling...call it my first mother's intuition. And I knew that it wasn't right. The nurse checked me and said it was time to start pushing, well when my doctor came in and checked, I wasn't even dialated all the way and it was NOT time to start pushing yet. Shortly after this I started to get a high fever and my baby hadn't moved down into the birth canal so he said it was time to take the baby by C -Section. We said a prayer and my kind loving husband gave me a blessing. Our beautiful little baby boy was born happy and healthy. when they had him in the nursery cleaning him up after the delivery my mother in law said that as soon as he heard his daddy's voice, he turned his head and it was like he was going to crawl off the table to go get him (to this day, he is still a daddy's boy!!) Anyway, a few months later my husband told me that when our baby was born, the cord was wrapped around his neck several times. I immediately freaked out and started the what ifs. "what if he he had died" or what if he didn't start breathing again." I don't know all that I thought of. But he told me that is why he didn't tell me there in the hospital- I would have really freaked out. And none of those what ifs happened.

So here I am today, and I have tons of "what ifs going on in my brain" What if I never have another baby, what if we never get out of debt, what if I'm never a good enough mother and wife, what if I don't lose more weight, what if we get to my moms house and I still haven't lost anything and my sister calls me fat in front of everyone? I think my fear from that stems from two different times when my husbands grandmother really did call me fat in front of his whole family. Both were at Thanksgiving. The first time was right before we were married. So 9 years ago. And she said I looked like I had gained weight, when I was all of 120 lbs- perfect for my height. I just brushed it off. The second time, I had actually gained a little weight. but it was for a good cause. I had been writing a cookbook and had been sitting at my computer a lot for 3 months trying to get it done. And I must add, it turned out perfectly!! But we were sitting whith his whole family- aunt and uncle, cousins, parents, brothers and sister in laws. She did it again. Oh, did I mention that I was pregnant at the time too? Not far enough along that it mattered. But that one hit me really hard. And this is why I think I was so hurt when my own sister called me fat. (she is not skinny herself either, so it was kind of like calling the pot calling kettle black...or however that saying goes) And I am so terrified of another family event and getting called fat. I feel like I should be making progress, but I don't know if I am. I feel better and I have more energy. But I don't see any differences. I know it has only been a few weeks, but still. I was kinda hopin for a miracle that it would come off quickly. I know, I know...I need to be realistic. But one can only hope.